by Shahina Siddiqui
One of the greatest challenges a Muslim will ever face is
being a parent. This is one challenge, however, many of us are least prepared
for.
Allah tells us in the Quran that our children are our trial
and as such we should take the task of parenting seriously, and start learning
from each other. In my experience in dealing with my own family and counseling
other Muslim families, a model has developed based on what I call "The
Positive and Negative C's". I pray to Allah that this humble contribution
will help parents and children alike in diagnosing and repairing the health of
their families.
POSITIVE C'S
Compassion (Rehmat)
Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) stated,
"He is not of us who does not have compassion for his fellow beings".
It is interesting to note that when it comes to Hadith like
this or Quranic quotes dealing with human behavior, we never stop to think that
our children and family members are also our fellow human beings and that these
golden rules must also be applied to them.
Compassion is only one component of the concept of mercy
(Rehmat) — the others being kindness, respect, and of course love. Remember the
displeasure of Prophet Muhammad when a Bedouin told him how he had never kissed
any of his ten children.
Consultation (Shura)
The Prophet has related that Allah says "Oh My servant.
I look on high handedness as something not permissible for myself, and I have
forbidden it for you. So do not oppress each other".
When we consult with each other in the domestic realm, both
husband and wife must show respect for each other. This is one of the best ways
to bond and to learn, to listen to each other and to resolve conflicts. However,
the consultation will only be fruitful if it is sincere and not merely a
formality. Imposition of one's ideas with scant regard to the welfare of the
whole family unit defeats the purpose of the most important Quranic principle
of Shura.
Cooperation
This concept of cooperation in Islam is most beautifully
illustrated in Sura Al-Asr: "… counsel each other to the truth (Haq), and
counsel each other to patience and fortitude (Sabr)".
When a family unit cooperates in this manner, they truly
capture the spirit of Islam — the welfare of each member of the family becomes
the concern of the other.
Commitment
It is extremely important that our families commit
themselves as a unit to Allah and His Prophet(s): "Obey Allah and His
Prophet and those in authority over you" (Nisa). This collective
commitment gives us an identity and maps out our purpose — namely that we all
belong to Allah and are accountable and responsible to Him.
Communication
Communication is more than talking. It is an essential part
of family life. It is both talking in a manner in which others can understand
you, and hearing in a manner in which you can listen and understand others.
So many times people claim that they have no communication
problem since they are always talking. However, the majority of the time they
are talking "at" and not talking "to". This mode usually
results in the recipient tuning out. Many children at an early age learn to
tune out their parents.
When communication is a means to listening, understanding,
and exchanging ideas, it is the most powerful tool to effective parenting and
the best shield against peer and societal pressures.
It also teaches children skills to problem solving. An
important component of positive communication is a sense of humor when parents
and children can laugh together. Communication can also be instrumental in
passing down family history and thus creating oneness and togetherness by
sharing a mutual heritage (children love to hear about family stories).
Consistency
Effective parenting requires that we are consistent in our
value judgments, discipline, and moral standards. Many parents inadvertently
apply double standards to boys and girls when it comes to social behavior and
domestic chores. This is unacceptable, and leads to sibling rivalry and
stereotypical males and females.
Confidentiality
Family is with whom we can feel safe and secure. Where we
know our secrets are safe and where there is mutual trust. Unfortunately,
parents often betray the trust of their children when they discuss their
concerns, which they confide in them to outsiders. This leads to mistrust, and
sooner or later our children will stop confiding in us. This may take them to
find confidants outside the family, sometimes non-Muslim peers, and this can be
detrimental to their spiritual and moral growth.
Contentment (Tawakkul)
The greatest gift we can give our children is that of
contentment. This can be developed very early in life by encouraging our
children to give thanks to Allah for all they have by discouraging materialism
by word and example, and by counting the blessings every night and remembering
the less fortunate.
Confidence
It is the duty of parents to build confidence in our
children through encouragement and honest and sincere praise. By developing
confidence, we give our children the courage to stand up for themselves and
their beliefs and to be able to deal with opposition.
Control
By teaching restraint and avoiding excess we develop in our
children control so that they do not become slaves to their desires (Nafs).
Calm
By encouraging and showing calm in matters of adversity and
in times of panic we improve our Taqwa (God consciousness) and teach our
children to rely on Allah and to turn to Allah alone for all needs.
Courage
Courage of conviction can only be achieved when we have been
able to teach our children true Islam. We should take advantage of every
learning opportunity as a family so that our faith (Iman) flourishes and
evolves towards Ihsan as a family unit. In this manner we can be a source of
strength to each other.
Critical Thinking
The Quran encourages us over and over again to think,
reflect, ponder, understand and analyze. However, very rarely do. Parents must
encourage children to ask questions. Our response to difficult inquiries from
our children is to say "do it because I said so". This discourages
the children from developing critical thinking. They become lazy and complacent
and easy prey to cult type following. To take things at face value makes us
vulnerable.
Charitable
The most important attitude of a Muslim personality is, as
Prophet Muhammad stated : "Do you not wish that Allah will forgive you?
Then forgive your brothers and sisters". Many relationships break because
people are not able to forgive each other. It is important that parents make up
in front of their children by forgiving each other after an argument. Prophet
Muhammad stated, "Like for your brother what you like for yourself".
So if husband and wife expect respect from each other they should give
respect.
A charitable nature also encourages us to overlook people
with their shortcomings and to be sensitive and to have empathy.
No comments:
Post a Comment